Listen To Your Mother 2015!!

What a thrill to step onto the stage at Alverno's Pittman Theater Sunday April 26th and read aloud!  I was able to share a bit of my story with many ears, hearts and even some bright lights.  I hope that those who recognize the story can find solace, reprieve, and even hope.  Read on....

New Motherhood: New Identity?

        Becoming a Mother involves a great transformation of identity. Dormant traits rise up, and familiar characteristics sink below the surface. With my first two children, I experienced personal growth in some areas, and crumbling in others. Key parts of my identity were whittled down or stripped away. My ideas changed as who I thought I would be as a mother were replaced by less pretty realities. But despite the changes, I maintained my core identity of being a kind, understanding person with an appreciation for art and  nature. I was still bright, still a problem solver.

        After the birth of my third child I experienced an emotion I had never felt before: Terror. It did not descend all at once, but crept in during the year following his birth. 

        It began with feelings of anger and frustration. Everyday bumps in the road felt like catastrophes. I was constantly rolling my eyes and sighing with irritation. I would not have allowed other people to yell at my children the way I was doing. This brought with it great shame and self-judgment.

        As time went on, I began to have trouble concentrating and remembering. I had to leave myself notes to Eat Breakfast and other everyday tasks that shouldn't require a second thought. I once thought to myself , "Why is that woman waving at me like she knows me?" Hours later I slowly remembered that we had met multiple times before.  

       Over time, my identity changed to the point that it no longer felt like me. I thought that there had to be some physical explanation for this. I researched brain tumors, neurological diseases, thyroid problems. I tried everything I could think of to feel better: accupuncture , healthy eating, an antidepressant, supplements, martial arts; on and on. Each thing seemed to provide a fraction of relief, but only briefly.

       As I got worse, the minutes would drag on so that surviving one hour felt like the feat of the century. Other days the time would slip by, and how did it get so late, as I didn't even get my coat off yet or make dinner? I still had to pee! Could it possibly be bedtime for the kids? This  was terrifying.

        My exhaustion became debilitating. Each day was a race to make it to the kids’ bedtime, when I could collapse into bed. At night I did not have the energy to fill my pillbox correctly or even plug in my cell phone.  My husband described me as "listless" at the time.

      Eventually, the anger I felt turned into rage. My irritation turned to a physical sensation of agitation. My thoughts were filled with irrational hatred towards almost everything.  I felt like I was losing my mind. I felt the terror of not feeling like myself or knowing who I was. I no longer felt kind or understanding. Once at the top of my class, I was no longer smart.  I wanted to live, but I could not stand living in my body. When I tried to tell people about my concerns, their cheerful reassurances only made me realize they could not comprehend what I was going through.

      Having 3 kids seemed too much for me with all the details to manage: grooming, meals, homework, sports, not to mention keeping track of library day, hot lunch day, spirit day...  My secret fantasy was to lie in a hospital bed with brief visits from my children and husband.

     Nearly a year later a friend recommended the Postpartum Progress website.  When I read things like "symptoms include rage", I began to cry with relief.  This meant I was not alone.  I went from thrashing around in a dark sea with my head underwater, to having a point of light to focus on.   If this was postpartum depression it needed a new name. Something to capture the disintegration, the terror, the trauma, the drowning feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.  Recovery has been slow and involves being knocked underwater again and again.  Medication helped me reach a turning point, and taking care of myself through time, baths, hobbies and friends is essential.

         I now feel I have my identity back. I have some of the old me, as well as the continued transformation motherhood brings.  I am here.  I enjoy things again.   The terrible buzzing in my head is usually gone.  That is enough. 

On why we switched schools...

My low down on why Montessori was not a good match... Number one, because it is ONE approach when I believe the best teaching is a combination of constantly evolving approaches that meet the needs of the individual learners. I mean c'mon , how could Maria Montessori have gotten EVERYTHING right? That being said, each individual school and teacher is different and may have more or less to offer.

• Some of my personal complaints are as follows... This approach values work but does not value play. As an active 3, 4, and 5 year old my son needed play time. Imaginative play is discouraged in Montessori, so no dress up etc. I realized how much I believe children learn through play. Also I feel this age needs to work on social skills and a lot of that is done through imaginative play.
        There was very little art at his school... none of the typical kindergarten cutting/ coloring/ pasting etc that I think is so good for kids. Although the kids got to choose what activity to work on, once a task was selected, it had to be completed in a very rigid manner. Each task has a specific sequence to follow. Thus my son got "in trouble" for building with blocks because he was supposed to stack them one certain way only. Montessori teaches cursive writing first which my little guy did not take to and became very tearful, frustrated that he could not do. When he switched to traditional school, he did much better with the printing. Much of the work in a Montessori room is individual/ side by side , thus the social skills taught are "don't disturb others" and "keep to yourself" rather than actually HOW to get along with others..
       I don't know that Montessori has a specific discipline approach.  I believe that is left up to the teacher, but the discipline used in his classroom was a deal breaker for me. Snack being withheld was one of his consequences (and this is a chronically underweight dude- still hasn't hit 40 pounds).  I found out (from the janitor!?) that he was being put out in the hall on a regular basis as a way to manage his behavior. I know the teacher was not a bad person and she was doing what she thought would work.  With the large classes sizes in public schools now (his was 35), what's a teacher to do when there are kids with special needs whether they be physical, emotional or behavioral?  I don't have the answer to that question but I am glad we switched to a smaller, private school. His mood, behavior and academic achievements have all improved.
       I also checked out the Waldorf schools.  It was very cool in many ways, but again ONE approach and a bit too extreme. I think I would have loved attending a Waldorf school.  It was interesting to tour a traditional  public school where the teachers bragged they had computers in the kindergarten classroom and then go to Waldorf where the kids don't do computers until middle school and even then just for typing. The students in a Waldorf school don't learn letters until first grade which seemed a bit slow to me.  I don't have TV in my house, but my kids do watch videos on the weekend mornings. However you are asked to sign a no TV contract when you attend many Waldorf schools.  
       The search for a new school did make me aware that comparing schools is not comparing apples to apples.  I felt like I had a pear, pineapple and a peach to choose from!  What's more amazing is that each school feels and truly believes their way is the best way. So good luck parents and find the match that's right for your child!  (I sure hope I don't end up with 3 kids at 3 different schools!!!)

Why OT for me?

Thanks to Cindra for asking the questions!
1. OTR/L  (Occupational Therapist Registered/ Licensed) .. Nationally Registered, State Licensed...
2. I currently work in a home health setting.  This is a great place to treat patients... in their natural surroundings.  They are usually more motivated and happy to be at home.  Also the teaching is relevant and specific to them and their home (such as teaching how to get into a claw foot tub, etc..)  I pursued occupational therapy after a volunteer job at a day program for adults with brain injuries.  The person who led the group addressed so many things: physical games, cognitive skills, fine motor arts and crafts ,social group;  I loved the holistic approach!  I asked the leader what her degree was in and learned it was OT!
3. To get into OT school required a minimum of 2 years of prerequisites (but I did 4).  There was also a review of transcript, required hours shadowing an OT and an essay.  OT school itself was an additional 2 years for a Bachelors.  OT is now an entry level Masters program.  I applied to 4 schools.  There was no gap before starting school for me because we started Anatomy with dissection that summer.  I think that class was meant to "weed out" a few before starting the 2 year intensive course work.  We had 2-4 Level I fieldwork experiences lasting several weeks each.  At the end of our course work we had 2 Internships lasting 3 months each, with an optional 3rd Internship.  I did one at a Veterans Hospital in California and one in Pediatric School District in Wisconsin.
Then came the big OT test to get Registered nationally.  That was difficult!!  The state licensing tests have been pretty easy; more about rules than OT itself.
4.  I started right away as an OT, but looking back it may have been more fun to be an OTA (less evaluations and paper work!).
5. I worked while going to school.  I worked various part time jobs:  children's day care, line therapist for children with autism, home worker for adults with disabilities.  These all gave me experience to complement my education.
6. My future plans? I would love to return to Seattle!  I would love to do more with aquatic therapy again.  I would love to open a center that combined health care with community wellness such as a Kids Sensory Center.
7.  I have worked so many places... Washington state had a lot of great opportunities.  I worked in aquatic therapy, a skilled nursing facility  for Dementia patients, a school district, adult day health center, and home health care.  They all had something unique.  I love being in a profession with so many options for places to work and so many different groups of people I can work with.  This job is never boring!
8.  Before entering my profession, decide whether being an OT or an OT Assistant seems more appealing to you.  (compare schooling, pay, job requirements...)  Know that occupational therapists are a bright, caring, creative, hands-on group of individuals who want to make a difference especially helping clients do what is personally meaningful.  If that sounds like you, shadow an OT for a day and then come join us!  Job outlook continues to look good as far as I can see!

Hey! Unto You A Child Is Born!

Pandemonium
Two (and a half!)  Christmas cookies for C. today was "one too many" according to Dad as a flash of limbs blurs by us.  "Careful!" I say more than (insert large number here) times, sometimes before the crash, sometimes after.
Balance.  Rhythm.  Priorities.
These themes surface more and more now that I am of "advanced maternal age".    And yet, Pandemonium reigns.  Well maybe it doesn't reign, but it sure rains down upon us often enough.
Advent and preparing for Christmas has always been a special, favorite time for me.  Advent wreath lighting, advent calendars (sometimes hand wrapped messages from mom), watering a real tree in our home, setting up the Nativity scene, decorating sugar cookies, even circling rock tumblers and easy bake ovens in the JC Penney catalog... what's not to like?
Now that I have children of my own, I realize that what made it into our lives and traditions must have in fact been very deliberate.  The amount expected to be crammed into this season is hectic and overwhelming, and even pandemonium inducing.  Without some sense of balance and priorities you are likely to be run over by a reindeer.
As toddler L. sings "Dudo" the red nose reindeer, I realize that although animated reindeer are not on top of our holiday priority list, music is.  Although I favor some of the more religious, heart wrenching tunes (What Child Is This, O Holy Night), little C. would be happy to keep "Albert" and the Chipmunks on repeat.  Watching my kids dance along with records just as we did, gives a very warm feeling indeed. 
Tripping along is how we are doing in regard to the rest of our traditions.
St. Nicholas did come!  Luckily we forgot to check our stockings in the morning as they weren't actually filled until a bit later.
The tree was decorated... not a real one... not white lights... But pleasantly weighted down with 3-4 ornaments per branch by toddler L.
We do have an Advent calendar on the wall and remember to read it... at least every day or two.
The Nativity scene is up, but C. made our stable out of a Melissa and Doug frog, singing tea kettle and lavender pillow (so the angel could look down where he lay)  :) There may also be a chip in baby Jesus, but I am not exactly sure when this occurred. 
We light a candle at dinner, but only tonight (on the second Sunday of Advent) do I realize it's C.'s Thanksgiving candle and maybe we should have moved on to Advent candles by now...
No decorating of sugar cookies (thanks Mom!, that must have been a lot of work!!), but we did mix up some Puppy Chow and Krispy Treats.
We have no art project's involving  a child's hand or footprint yet (we need Erica to help us with those anyway), but we did make some potpourri and wreaths!  Wreaths were possibly my favorite activity with C. this year because they were made with Daddy's old 45 records on a day that was exceptionally warm.  They were absolutely free to make and they turned out cute!  C. wanted to stay out cutting branches (from our bushes) all day!
Priorities?  Time together.  Treats.  Traditions.  Music.  Making. 
Balance?  Involving the senses of smell, taste, sight, touch, sound.  And as my children remind me, movement! 
Rhythm?  Well, maybe next year!
Happy Holidays to you and yours!!

the weekend toddler L really started talking

It was a Cinco de Mayo just like any other; lounging poolside following a candlelit dinner celebrating our close friends' marriage in Palm Springs, California.  Sipping margaritas that were like sampling a fruit and veggie platter, full of fresh cucumbers and handmade by the groom...
Well by now you may have guessed, I  never really had a Cinco de Mayo quite like this before.. The moments captured that weekend left me both reaching and remembering.
A weekend drenched with the luxuries of sweet sun, mountain backdrop, cool pool water, not to mention delicious food with every lift of the fork.  But also the luxuries bestowed only upon parents vacationing away from their children.  Vacating?  A vacancy and void that allows you to stay up as late as you once did, to drink more than you lately have, to sleep (without one eye open) for more hours than you have in at least a year.
I mourn my old identity that carried the irresponsibility of independence.  Knowing I could do whatever I please and make it back safe and sound no matter how many roads less traveled I chose.
We strolled through a second hand store without having to wrangle children into a shopping cart.  I was able to wander at my own pace, meeting up with my honey from time to time throughout the store.  It wasn't just a mission just to get through without breaking anything or a rush past my favorite glassware to get to the toy section.  It was so enjoyable.
It was so nice to have "couple time" with my spouse. And talk to him.  To talk when I wasn't completely exhausted.
It was so nice to see friends.  And talk with them. And listen with both ears instead of one.  To make spontaneous plans with them!
It was so nice to see the bride and groom surrounded by people, (pets) and images held dear to them.  Simply put, to feel the open exchange of good energy from good people, and without the constant distractions that parenthood brings.
And yet, can it be anything but bittersweet to find yourself in a hotel swimming pool without your children?  As fun as it is to watch Kevin put his head under water, it's just not the same thrill as when little C or L do it and come up sputtering and grinning.  So I'm left reaching and remembering.  Wanting to hold everything all at once.  Appreciating.

Quality Control

2012 has brought some very mild, new year's resolutions. Rather than lofty outcomes, I wanted to engage in meaningful processes. I broke it down into 4 categories and have been trying to do something from each category everyday... or at least every couple days. (The idea being to support and encourage myself rather than berate myself for failure.)

1. Giving! I've got a groovy husband, sweet kids, supportive family, house, vehicles, plenty of food, Health, a good job, thoughtful friends, heat, running/clean/hot water. And quite honestly, in comparison to what I have been blessed with, I share very little. Like a percentage of a percent. So in my effort to be more aware and give more I have:
Shared Paczki with my patients, taught Yoga at C's school, signed up with Interfaith to be an occasional driver, brought cupcakes to the neighbors, donated clothes/books/ toys to a family that lost their possessions in a fire.

2. Receiving! Even with all I have to be thankful for (see above), I often feel exhausted and frustrated. I take SO much for granted. I want to be more aware of positive energies, thoughts, and actual things flowing into my life. So far in my attempt at grace-filled receiving I have accepted:
An entire weekend of childcare from my parents, a free drink and chips at the bar from my favorite wedding officiant, a Valentine from C.C. , giggles from Lulu, orange juice when I was sick from Kevs, and a nap both to myself and from myself.

3. Creating! This is one aspect of myself that I have let slip away to some extent since filling my life with a spouse and kids. Lack of time is somewhat to blame, but I know it doesn't take much time to add creativity to everyday activities. So with a little effort we were able to:
Do chalk drawings outside (it's been a mild winter!), stamp cards and decorate gift bags, create Mardi Gras masks, make tub paint for the kids bathtime, make a set of thank you cards for a glowing Bride to Be, make Valentines, write a poem, and work on a handmade recipe book.

4. Moving! This is a nice way of telling myself to exercise more. And to enjoy it! And that it doesn't need to be difficult, complex or painful. And that my family is depending on me to be around for a while. That involves me participating in some sort of exercise for my sake, their sake and as an example for my kids of how to do it.
Well this has been the hardest for me so far. It usually consists of doing some quick exercise before bed when I realize I haven't done anything all day.
Most pitiful journal entries include, things like "knee bends", "squats" or "hip circles". As in, I did 15 knee bends in an entire day...
Most proud moment... leading that Kids Yoga Class! (and seeing all those little 3,4, and 5 year old "trees" attempting to reach and balance in unison)

Well it's 9:15. Time to do some paperwork and then maybe a few sit-ups...

they say the darndest things

Sometimes what kids say (or hear!) is good for a chuckle. Sadly, I forget most of these hilarious comments, but here are a few that have not yet floated away.
When Big Brother C was angry at his teacher he exclaimed, "I'm gonna get Mrs. Becker!..." (He saw mom's eyebrows go up) and quickly added, "A present". Good save kid, good save.

Or when I didn't want to discourage him from eating a healthy dinner by letting him know what was really in it. I told daddy there were hidden V-E-G-E-T-A-B-L-E-S in it. Four year old C looks at me with wide eyes and asks "Really?" I am so impressed! When has he learned to spell?! Until he adds, "There are REAL letters in this?"

What about Toddler L? Well, I put on her mittens and she says, "AHHHH, NOO!" and shakes her hands vigorously until mittens fly into snowbanks. Then she notices her exposed, cold fingers and shrieks, AHHH, NOOO!" So mommy offers her the now slightly damp mittens and she responds, "Why thank you mama, you are ever so kind. Please forgive me for my previous outburst." Or something like that.